On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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