I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
