when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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