I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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