i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
