I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
