Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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