I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Randomize
