gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Randomize
