so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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