So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Couch. On fire.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
