Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
