I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
