You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
