We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
