i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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