I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Randomize
