I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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