I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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