I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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