I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
