I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
