i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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