dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
