the new term for farting is butt boxing.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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