You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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