You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
