just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
