he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
