we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
