dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
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