I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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