I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
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