Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
