Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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