my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Just high enough for therapy.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
