Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I think I won the penis lottery.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
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