Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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