Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
