so that wasnt chicken after all
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Sorry my hands just texted you
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
