She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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