i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
