She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Randomize
