I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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