Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
