Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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