Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Randomize
