seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
