I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
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