I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
