WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
